Paul Simpson
Springfield News-Leader
I admit, I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. The world of politics often confuses me. These are just a few unresolved questions I’ve had lately that I thought I’d share in case others have puzzled over the same issues.
If they make it so I can’t afford health insurance, could we develop a barter system so I could trade an extra kidney or lung for coverage?
If the government continues to consider selling or privatizing our national parks and monuments, will they be selling naming rights to corporations, as it’s done for sports stadiums? Maybe Ozempic Olympic National Park? Pfizer might be interested in trading-out the word “Niagara” so they could have Viagra Falls. The KKK would probably go for (Pure) White Sands National Monument. I’m not sure if McDonalds would prefer the St. Louis Arch or Arches National Park. Either one would likely involve the liberal application of yellow paint.
If we need a Space Force to protect us, are there plans to station ICE agents there to guard against aliens from outer space? If so, would they be called Space ICE? And would they wear face masks under their helmets?
Instead of banning mifepristone, could we just let the price of eggs keep rising until all women opt to cash theirs in?
Help! I forgot RFK Jr.’s warning and took Tylenol. I’m over 70. Will I contract geriatric autism?
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth said it was “completely unacceptable” for senior military officials to be fat. Will our commander-in-chief get a bye on that one?
Trump says we need to get all our energy from coal. Try as I may, I can’t get enough coal into my cell phone battery for it to last the day. Suggestions, anyone?
If there’s really a problem with dead people voting, wouldn’t avoiding elections on Halloween solve it?
Do people who say we don’t need vaccines have a secret business plan to convert multi-level parking garages into multi-level cemeteries to accommodate all the extra business from people who didn’t get vaccinated?
If even worms can’t survive inside his skull, how much more proof do we need that this guy’s brain is toxic?
Since other countries don’t like our new tariffs, our farmers can’t sell crops (like soybeans) overseas. And since our government closed USAID, it no longer buys the farmers’ excess crops to send to other countries, thus alleviating hunger, building goodwill and keeping farms from bankruptcy. And since ICE is deporting non-criminal as well as criminal immigrants, we no longer have the laborers we need to harvest and process the foods we eat domestically. So, was the plan all along to force us to buy our food from China and Argentina?
If Border Czar Tom Holman really didn’t take the bag with $50,000 from the undercover FBI agents, why won’t the Department of Justice release the video? Was Holman wearing shorts, knee-high tube socks, and sandals?
What do parents envision as their kids’ state of mind when they argue that their school-age children can be trusted to own semi-automatic weapons but can’t be trusted when selecting books from the public library?
RFK Jr. says Tylenol causes autism as there has been an uptick in autism since Tylenol was introduced to the public in the 1950s. Also introduced to the public in the 1950s were electric transistors, microwave ovens, and the Barbie Doll. I wonder which of these RFK Jr. will blame next for autism? (My bet is the Barbie Doll.)
Paul Simpson lives in Springfield.
Baton Rouge school employee insurance nears Friday deadline
